Thoughts on things in general.

Wandering along this lonely highway called life, I find myself searching constantly.
I search for meaning to trivial things.
I search for understanding and acceptance.
I search for true companionship.
These things are intangible and ambiguous at best, yet help define who a person is.
I praise the gods that be for my opportunities.
I praise myself for my accomplishments despite adversity.
I praise my children in the good that they do.
I honor the many memories I've had through the years.
I long and yearn for a respite from pain, hurt, anger, and stress.
Looking to the future holds many possibilities.
My fervent prayer is that my dreams, and the dreams of my children come true in the best sense that they can.
I will not be oppressed or held down.
I will not suffer others incompetency.
I will not be labeled.

ABC's of Friendship

(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality

WTF?!?

Sometimes I swear I'm cursed. It seems that one freaking thing after another happens at the worst times possible. The Lord of Cosmic Humor must be having a helluva chuckle at my expense....either that, or I have some majorly bad karma from a past life...whatever the case, I get really tired of dealing with the crap I have to deal with. Guess I'm just eating worms and feeling maudlin now, but I needed to vent...what better place than online...where I can say just about anything about anybody...whatever...I need to get the hell outta Alpine and start over...and soon.

Conclusions...

I've come to the conclusion that there is not a decent man where I live.
I've tried, several times, to make the effort of putting myself out there and being seen.
To no avail.
Why are guys too afraid to commit?
One date does not a relationship make.
Running into an ex is inevitable in a small town.
Shit happens...you deal with it however you feel you must.
SO...stuck in a crappy little town makes it hard to think about the possibility of a decent relationship.
SO here I sit, alone again on a Saturday night...par for the course.
Not trying to be depressing or eating worms, just stating a fact of my life at this time.
I gotta get out of Alpine.
Conclusion....yeah, Alpine totally sucks as far as the dating scene for women my age.

Damn the internet...

I truly hate the internet, and the way we can find people with the click of a mouse.
I found my ex...and pictures of him with is new gal. On Valentine's Day no less.
DAMN!!!
I was doing good, really good at forgetting .
Now it all comes back. It's only been a little over 3 months, but it still hurts.
This is the one who dumped me for a CHILD! In my eyes anyway, as she's only 24 and he's 36.
Ed and I had our issues, granted, but to do what he did to me...the betrayal...it stings.
I tried my damnedest to be what he wanted me to be, but I had kids, and I guess that was too much for him to take.
He can go camping and hiking with the CHILD with no reservations at all.
What gets me, is that I never once suspected he would do this...not after 3 YEARS together.
Damn.....I need to get over this in a bad way.
I see him all the time, even am polite enough to ask how the CHILD is.
And I've met her...played D&D with her, thought she was kinda sweet in a silly, immature way.
She has him now, and all I can do is hope the best for them.
I'll never go back to him, too much water under the bridge, but one day he will realize what he passed up.
One day, I'll be the one he calls when his world has crumbled and the CHILD has cheated on him like he cheated on me.
She was with Texas Jones when she hooked up with Ed. And everyone knows it. But if that's what he wants, he can have it.
My day will come, when I can say to him,"sorry, but you picked out your new pony ...now you have fallen off and want me to kiss it? Not a chance.Best of luck to you."
Damn the internet....now I know her full name, birthday, and know where she is at times. She can have him...I don't want either in my life now.They deserve each other.

My World

Every time the lightning strikes, I want you to remember my passion.
As the rain falls upon your face, those are my tears.
When the scent of the impending storm fills your nostrils, recall my desire.
And as the thunder rumbles, that is my heart beating beneath my breast.
Take all of this in, and know that It will all be locked away in a song.
No longer will I mourn the loss of our love-instead I will revel in my new found glory.
I am woman, and I am stronger than you ever gave me credit for .
I choose to walk this path now, not out of necessity, but a personal choice.
I need no man to hinder me in my quest for happiness.
If I decide to wear my miniskirt and heeled boots, I will wear them with pride.
If I choose to dance naked in the rain, I will...and no man can tell me otherwise.
I set the rules now.
If I choose a lover, it will be on MY terms.
I need no man to oppress me or stifle my passion for life.
I will choose someone to walk beside me and be my partner.
All of this is part of my brave new world.
You are no longer a part of my world.

Memories....

As I sit here listening to some old songs, I remember things...the dreams I had, the loves in my life, all the aspirations a young woman could have.
I wanted to be a rock star...sounds like a joke, but I actually had a 7 octave range at one time and sang in a garage band.
I wanted Johnny to love me and make plans for our future together....
I stopped blaming myself for the death of a good friend....
I fixed up my '68 Torino myself...and watched as it went through someone's living room with no driver behind the wheel...
I thought about cutting my long hair off for the guy down the street who said short hair was sexier on a girl...
The songs I'm hearing each bring back a thought or memory I had forgotten about. Sometimes things are better left alone, sometimes it's better to confront them and change what can be changed.
Now I have to move on, away from the past and into the present, whewre things aren't so clear.
Do I apply for a job back in East Texas?
Do I hope and pray I get accepted to Tech?
Do I stop trying to entice a certain individual to take more notice of me?
Do I let my past go???

Fuck it.
I've been told I was a failure.
I've tried, God knows I have, to be what I am supposed to be- a loving and faithful wife, a supportive friend, a good mother.
Now it seems I've screwed the pooch and somehow fallen short of everyone's expectations of me.
So now what?
What about MY expectations?
What about the husband that fucking cheated on me three times then asked me for a divorce when our son was only 8 weeks old?
What about the friends that are only friends when they need your support...and are conveniently unavailable when my world is falling apart?
What about how I expect my daughter and sons to behave?
Do I get a simple 'Thank You Mom?'
NO....HELL NO!
I get shit....a whole butt ton of it. I get shit for berating the bastard who fathered my sons because he won't pay his fucking child support.I get shit for apparently putting my 2 cents in when someone is pissy and I get the brunt of the pissiness.I get shit because my daughter has no father. I get shit from all sides...and I'm sick and damned tired of it.
So here's to all that have talked shit about me, given me hell for things I have every right to address, and been fair weather friends.
And that's my final fucking answer.....

WHY?!?

The more I try, the more it hurts.
I'm tired of trying, dammit.
I'm tired of doing my best and getting nothing but grief in return. WHY?!?
Why is it some things come so easily to others, whereas I bust my ass for every penny?
Why do some people take SO much for granted?
Why do some take advantage of kindness and use me up?
It gets hard to bite my tongue and be nice.
It gets hard to be happy for those who don't deserve it.
It gets hard to come home to a cold, empty bed every night.
Why should I conform to standards?
Why should I look the other way?
Why should I even attempt to do that which is expected of me?
It's never enough. I can't make everyone happy, least of all myself.
I can't please everyone. I can't do everything.
All I can do is what I can do.
So be it.

The show must go on....

So, last night was our opening night for 'The Complete Works of William Shakespeare,Abridged' and we ROCKED! The cast was stellar, and as far as the tech side of things goes, we made no mistakes. It's been a long 3 weeks to put it all together, but it was worth it, in spades. Just needed to let myself crow about this new accomplishment, as no one else will do it for me. I love the show, but will be glad when it's done. I go into rehearsals for Radio Theater as soon as we close, and still have to squeeze in rehearsals for my One Act as well...that will be my directorial debut.At least nobody can say I have idle hands.I keep myself busy, I guess to compensate for a lack of companionship, but I care not to analyze things too much. Be that as it may, my day will come.....

Brave New World

So here it is, beginning a new chapter in the life of ME. I've seen some bad times, lived through some sad times...as Kenny Rogers would say. This brave new world I am entering is one of my own conception. One wherein I can find the solace and comfort I seek without the added chaos of what is right and what is wrong, according to society's norms and standards. Being the free spirited fool's lackey that I am, I find the desire to go on about my business in such a manner that I am comfortable with. No longer shall I piss and moan, lamenting my lack of companionship, or the trials and tribulations I have endured to get where I am today. This is my manifesto, as it were. So get ready, all HELL is about to break loose....