Fuck it.
I've been told I was a failure.
I've tried, God knows I have, to be what I am supposed to be- a loving and faithful wife, a supportive friend, a good mother.
Now it seems I've screwed the pooch and somehow fallen short of everyone's expectations of me.
So now what?
What about MY expectations?
What about the husband that fucking cheated on me three times then asked me for a divorce when our son was only 8 weeks old?
What about the friends that are only friends when they need your support...and are conveniently unavailable when my world is falling apart?
What about how I expect my daughter and sons to behave?
Do I get a simple 'Thank You Mom?'
NO....HELL NO!
I get shit....a whole butt ton of it. I get shit for berating the bastard who fathered my sons because he won't pay his fucking child support.I get shit for apparently putting my 2 cents in when someone is pissy and I get the brunt of the pissiness.I get shit because my daughter has no father. I get shit from all sides...and I'm sick and damned tired of it.
So here's to all that have talked shit about me, given me hell for things I have every right to address, and been fair weather friends.
And that's my final fucking answer.....

WHY?!?

The more I try, the more it hurts.
I'm tired of trying, dammit.
I'm tired of doing my best and getting nothing but grief in return. WHY?!?
Why is it some things come so easily to others, whereas I bust my ass for every penny?
Why do some people take SO much for granted?
Why do some take advantage of kindness and use me up?
It gets hard to bite my tongue and be nice.
It gets hard to be happy for those who don't deserve it.
It gets hard to come home to a cold, empty bed every night.
Why should I conform to standards?
Why should I look the other way?
Why should I even attempt to do that which is expected of me?
It's never enough. I can't make everyone happy, least of all myself.
I can't please everyone. I can't do everything.
All I can do is what I can do.
So be it.

The show must go on....

So, last night was our opening night for 'The Complete Works of William Shakespeare,Abridged' and we ROCKED! The cast was stellar, and as far as the tech side of things goes, we made no mistakes. It's been a long 3 weeks to put it all together, but it was worth it, in spades. Just needed to let myself crow about this new accomplishment, as no one else will do it for me. I love the show, but will be glad when it's done. I go into rehearsals for Radio Theater as soon as we close, and still have to squeeze in rehearsals for my One Act as well...that will be my directorial debut.At least nobody can say I have idle hands.I keep myself busy, I guess to compensate for a lack of companionship, but I care not to analyze things too much. Be that as it may, my day will come.....

Brave New World

So here it is, beginning a new chapter in the life of ME. I've seen some bad times, lived through some sad times...as Kenny Rogers would say. This brave new world I am entering is one of my own conception. One wherein I can find the solace and comfort I seek without the added chaos of what is right and what is wrong, according to society's norms and standards. Being the free spirited fool's lackey that I am, I find the desire to go on about my business in such a manner that I am comfortable with. No longer shall I piss and moan, lamenting my lack of companionship, or the trials and tribulations I have endured to get where I am today. This is my manifesto, as it were. So get ready, all HELL is about to break loose....